Ghost of Boyfriends Past.

19 03 2012

How often do you guys think of your exes?

I hate to admit it but apparently a lot in my case, and I’ve been trying to figure out what that means. Does it mean that I’m not over them, despite how happy I am in my current relationship?

But then again, it’s all about the technology, I guess. Facebook does the most amazing job of reminding you of them, and just because the exes are no longer in your life, it doesn’t mean that they don’t pop up on your newsfeed from time to time. In my case it’s even worse because many of them have previously “poked” me, so whenever the poke history comes up, I’m reminded of them. This makes a whole lot of sense since the one guy I hardly think about is my very first serious boyfriend who pretty much cut me out of his life.

Remember how it was like in high school? That’s when I met him and boy, was I smittened! It sounds so stupid now but he was up there on the social hierarchy and it was kind of a big deal to be seen with him, let alone date him. After a few months of being friends (and that alone pissed off a few girls already), he took my first kiss. I remember I was like “um, why are we doing this?” and he responded with  “because you’re my girlfriend now!‘. Yes, he actually said that, and yes, it actually worked on me, because I just shrugged and went with it. Believe it or not, this is going to be a repeating pattern for years to come..

Anyways, this ended up being my longest relationship to date, but it was a really unhealthy one which ended terribly. He ended up being overly controlling, irrationally possessive, and just abusive on so many levels. I remember when we graduated high school and it was time to decide whether I wanted to go to my first choice university, or to follow where he was going, and I picked my university which he reacted badly to. I thought it was time to end the relationship, but like many times that I have previously suggested it, he sweet talked me out. That’s not even the worst part, because this is his exact word “now that I’m letting you go to your choice of university, you have to listen to everything that I say”. Did I tell you how controlling he was? I was desperate to go to my pick of university so I agreed to it dumbly just to shut him up.

I’m not even going to go in to details about what happened with us. He got too much (I kid you not, he was capable of being worse than that), but he wouldn’t let me break up with him that in the end I cheated on him to have a valid excuse to get out. Even then he was willing to overlook it (or so he claimed), but I was done. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. For a long while, I was seriously concerned that he would one day show up unannounced to hurt me, I’m not joking. It took him a while but he eventually left me alone, wiping off all of my traces from his life, including from our friends, who I have lost touched with after he told them all about how I betrayed him.

If you guys are curious as to how he’s doing now, I think he’s doing fine. After about a year or two after we broke up, I found out he’s dating someone, who goes to my university! What a small world, huh? I have lost touched with most of my friends from high school which is sad, but I guess it’s not too much of a loss if they didn’t bother to hear my side of the story before deciding to take sides. The very few friends that I still talk to wouldn’t do it publicly just to avoid any drama from my ex, which I respect. Though according to them, talking about me in front of him is still a taboo subject.

You know what, I know why I keep thinking about my exes! Because we all left things on bad terms, and I actually want to be back in their lives to make sure that we are civil. I want to say I’m sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry we didn’t work out, but I hope you are happy. I hate the idea of someone wishing that I have never entered their lives. Is that so much to ask?

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